Dear True Believers, old and new
Perhaps the biggest shake-ups here at YOU LIKE THAT?! is the addition of two young talents to the weekly writing staff. I’d like to welcome Jeffrey, your co-commish, as a regular contributor to the weekly columns, and Carl from Aqua Teen in a featured role that will hopefully become a weekly appearance. His only request is that there be an active community on this shiny new Yahoo league, so if you want him to stick around, leave a comment on this Week 1 story and keep the group chat going, for goodness sake.
I’ve spent hours a week in years’ past trying to keep the conversation going, but our growth was constrained by the limitations of NFL.com, much like underwear that is too tight. We tried social media as a crutch, but not all were willing to come over to the darkside. And those who were already there were distracted by daily happenings across the globe, like that cat that couldn’t jump far enough.
So here we are, with a new team of writers assembled. For this introductory newsletter, we have divvied up the week’s games, and I apologize in advance for being the boring one. We will try to make sure that Carl gets to take a shot at everyone before week 6.
So without further ado about nothing,
Year 2018, A cold February day, in the Water City…
How long had I been out for? What was this pounding in my head? Could the score reallly have been 38-to feeiackin 7? Like the 7 they got in the first 2 minutes 7? That’s all? Bbbaaalllllllsssssss…
… I stumbled to my feet and rubbed my eyes to see through the haze. As the dust cleared over a ruined and frozen hellscape I saw a massive green eagle perched above my beloved skyline. In its stained talons were the remnants of an American flag, a three-cornered hat, and some broken purple bucket seats. Screeching it tore through the clouds never to be seen again. A beaten but still bloated with gold and drunken with Sam Adams ding-bat stumbled out and took the last bite of lefse before stepping on a loon and quaking away. From the rubble of the steeple I saw what had to have been none other than “Bridge Over Troubled Water” hobbling out, clinging to his VIP Pass and saying, “Why GOD??!” WWhhhhyyyyyyyy….
Thor had lost. Half the Vikings fans gave up forever. Half the Star Wars fans went to the Dark Side. I knew this tragedy must never be repeated. I must never play fantasy football again. No, not ME. Not THIS me. Not the one who had Tried Nightrow Tubing and lived to break even. No, like Apollo Creed, or Dylan in the first Predator movie, or the bad guy in Ghost, or (probably soon) Rick Grimes’ son, or that dumbass neighbor in a bunch of episodes, I would have to cross the spirit land. I would need to re-emerge different, and become something elemental, and I’ll need all the best videogame-teachers to help. I’m talking about the SNES here. Imust search for my lost brethren and take on Kefka in the world of ruin. I must become “The Carl”
Jordy Bangs Goats v Jeff’s Team
recapped by Ardy
Talk about believing the hype! The Goat-banger has Case Keenum on his roster, along with NO OTHER QBs. Of course the guy showed up, he was arguably the best value QB on the market. Compared to the QB on the other side, who fell 8.5 pts short of his projection, Keenum outshined pretty much everyone except Fitzmagic (who was, until recently, unrostered – YOINK!). Then there was the battle of the DET receivers, and the Golden boy more than doubled Mr. Jones. Gronk really helped Jeffrey (not Jeff’s TEAM, mind you) make up for losing his #1 pick until God-knows-when by outscoring everyone on Ekim’s side, most of them twice over.
We’ll see if Ekim keeps using mind games as his main offense, or if he can try to put a team together who doesn’t miss their projection by 40 points.
Big Head Mode v Cuz Nug
First I knew I had to find my commissioner’s office management to rebuild a bridge to Kefka. I shiny new face sported the purple tunic of Minnesota where-in a double-barreled Kirk-zooka blast hit in MPLS. Ardy Party had a slight edge against his big-nugged similar-looking “cousin” Zach going into the grudge match between these old dogs. Fate seemed to favor the conservative, after all I’m too young to remember the last time the Browns won anything, so SURELY Big Ben with his arsenal would pile on the points. The Browns would in fact TIE, and Ben would score 4 under his projection in a messy game. Zach meanwhile started Mahomes against the Charges and would beat his projection by 10 points for a solid 28.34 – 12 add-in. Pittsburg’s own WR Juju on Cuz would actually out-score Roethlisberger on Ardy. Zach’s Beckham was the only reason Eli Manning didn’t just give up behind a porous O-Line by posting a nice 16.5. The Nutz put the screws to Big-Head by starting Mixon vs. Indianapolis and going yard for 23.4. By Monday the party was dying down and Ardy-Head must have been deflating like one of Tom Brady’s 6 balls as he (probably) did the calculation to find he needed his kicker to score 27.84 points. He didn’t. Ardy could have won only with perfect coAching, and only by 1.61 points. As it was Ardy got 77.7% of his ceiling, and Zach got 86.2% and won the day. *Final Fantasy Victory Music*
501st 114.14 v All the Videogames!! 107.86
Benches Shoulda Cleared
Week one of the all Vikings related draft with Sterling Shepard and Jordan Wilkins went about as expected. 501st preserved the win Monday night with an uninspired performance behind Matt Stafford. Stafford looking more like Kegger’s golf game spraying and praying all over the field. 4-1 would be sweet if it was TDs to picks but it wasn’t it and 12.04 points didn’t matter thanks to Kamara launching the team past a few uninspired results. The Charger’s -3.00 points is funny but not as funny as Videogames 100.72 bench points. Its possible Carl will find room for a few of those guys off the bench this week against Ray but its also possible you can read. You got unlucky in the WR selection. We all know that Jacksonville had a great defense last year but you banked on regression. Conversely, we all knew that Tennessee had a horrible defense last year but having already decided to follow regression you held strong and I commend you. The Jared Cook thing is an after-thought that makes sense right? I mean they play on a baseball field so you don’t want to worry about running on and off the dirt so just throw to the guy that stays in the dirt? I don’t get that one but I’m guessing Denver’s use of actual linebackers might slow him up a bit. Rudi always likes to light up the Pack so good luck on that choice this week. Yeldon getting the load after the Fournette injury is something you couldn’t have seen before-hand but it’ll be a nice bird in the hand going forward. I feel for you on the Ginn-in or Ginn-out decision. You’d imagine he’d have 3-5 TDs this year and he just spent one on your bench.
I’m not saying you should’ve known which guy was going to explode for the Jets but I might be tempted to wait another week to see if the Jets are legit a thing or if the Lions just suck again.
Good luck next week to both of you. Videogames watch your kicker, looks like it might rain. 501st two of your scary RB are projected to be in the rain too. Best of luck boys!
Laces Out v Steel House
Steel House, Padded Walls, All the Ballz,
The most high-octane event of the week was Between Ray and Tom and saw both players beat their projections as well as both players score over 97% of their ceiling. Ray did what he does best: Dress up like a woman, get promoted to chief of Miami’s Police Dept., steal a real goddam dolphin, grind on Jim Carry, and especially use his sensitively to the kinds of emotional stress that athletes have to endure to intuit a starting team that averaged over 18 points a player. He would have even more impressive stats but for Titans Tight End (huh, tightens… tite.. an..d.. NEAT) Delanie Walker busting up his leg and being out for the season. His IRL adversary was the usually reliable Travis Kelce but disappointed Tom on the field with a paltry 1.1, less than 10% his projected value. Tom’s kicker and D/ST were standouts for the normally lower-scoring spots but in the end 4 of his guys kinda stunk. I guess sometimes the projections are wrong. I guess sometimes you shouldn’t do what “the pros” recommend. Imma gonna draft Cousins with the third pick-and-then-only-vikings-forever- WHAT, ARE YOU QUEER?!?
Sorry. AAnnnyywho next week Tom faces off against Jordy Bangs Goats and may have to make some tough decisions like whether to roll the dice with Kelce away at Pittsburg or The Packers’ Graham at home vs. the formidable Vikes D. He also has Eagles WR Jeffrey (other guy) out vs. Bucs and WR D. Parker of Miami questionable with a finger injury. As for Ray, He’ll have to decide if the real GOAT can win against their motivated AFC rivals in their own house or press his “Luck” against Washington to beat All the Videogames. Staaayyyyy TUUNNEEED!
Windowless Van 118.96 v Search for Saq-uatch 140.22
0-1 unlucky bastard
Search for Saq-uatch picked up the early season win. We could take pity on the Windowless Van by pointing out they’d have beaten both sides of three contests this week and tied another. The legit fourth-highest point total for the week but that sort of talk doesn’t win championships. If the van doesn’t find a rudder pretty soon they’ll be staring down the barrel of 0-2. Typically in years past, we’d have suggested something like starting Emmanual Sanders over Amari Cooper especially when you factor in Cooper is facing top-end secondaries for first two weeks and furthermore has ProFootball Focuses toughest graded slate of CB to face for the season. Let’s not trouble ourselves with facts when we let this guy call plays for him instead.
Austin Ekeler is essentially a fart in the wind heading the other direction. Good luck this time but next time I’m not betting on it. Don’t forget that next week you’ll be dealing with Jeff’s Team and their no-nonsense attitude.
As for the winner. I thought you were a Seahawks fan? Sure you played Wilson over Mariota. Were drafting Tyler Lockett just to prove it? Nah, I’m clowning that was essentially a perfect lineup. Kupp would’ve netted you 1.2 more points. The real weak point in the roster today appears to be the tight end. Simple just working in legs-day every day. Problem solved. Don’t overlook the Glass Joes’ on the horizon bro. They don’t have a tight end right now. What if they added Will Dissly? They might beat you. Come to think of it Dissly is a Seahawk so go get’em. Eric Ebron and Jesse James are names of people too.
The Glass Joes v LCpl Underground
recapped by Ardy
Newcomer Nicholas was Narrowly projected to win his game against Jay-Rett, and even though they both fell short of projections, one fell much shorter. ESPN had an article pointing to the name change to “the glass joes” being responsible for AA-ron leaving the game for x-rays.
But then this guy Discount Double-Checks himself before you-know-what and leads his team to a masterful come-from-behind victory! If he hadn’t missed time, who knows what was possible. But it’s hard to win when two of your slots combined get -4 points, as was the case with D. Baldwin and the A’ints (as in, “ain’t gon’ play defense”). Nicholas’ defense, on the other hand, got 17 points, which is, like, one million percent of -4 (don’t check the math on that). Solid performances from Cam, Brown, and Keenan, plus the return of Lucky TY, sealed the deal. We’ll see if Jarrett can avoid 0-4 before Ingram suits up, but it won’t be easy.
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