Week 3 REcaps Are Getting Tighter

Week 3 maybe you should play a phone game instead

Today is a different day and a new week starts.  To add to that new week its Andy’s freaking Birthday.  I found this picture of him at his new job.  Looks like he’s taking the chain-saw world apart.  And if you didn’t already read this HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY.
Before we recap the individual games here is a quick look at the standings as brought to you by Number Munchers where you can learn how to do math with the goal of finding higher scores in the coming weeks. 

Waiver Wednesday update:

The big thing on this week’s pick-ups?  Looks like we might need to augment the waiver system.  

Nick got Eifert and that feels like a steal.  Tyler Boyd seems to have been popular so I hope he pays off.  

There has been some chatter on should we switch to free agent blind bidding? Think about it folks.  It’d be fun.  

Time for trades yet?

Jordy bangs goats v All the VIDEOGAMES!!

BloodBath
by Ardy
Yes yes, two of your regular columnists were pitted against one another as early as week three. This contest would almost drive one from the fold, but happily, he’s back in action in this week’s newsletter. Carl was riding high after last week’s 65 points from Cousins and Diggs, but no one expected the Vikes would fall so flatly on their faces. At least now we know how the mascot’s nose got like that.

Last week’s champ just kept the ball rolling, advancing to 2-1 on the backs of strong outings from two Seattle veterans, and the ONE Viking who balled out. Helps that Will Fuller the fifth is officially has a “pace” of 15+ each game. Carl could have done it with some bench moves, but who is gonna bench the Vikes duo at HOME after a performance like THAT in Green Bay? No one, that’s who. Hats off to Jeff, who was able to comfortably leave some points on the bench. It’s rare to have such a cushion.

Looking ahead, Carl will be watching Big Head vs. Jordy fairly closely, plotting his takedowns of both of us in the process.  If things don’t change soon for the home team, I might be relegated to a mere journalist in this league. And all is not lost for Carl himself, who can create some space between him and fellow 1-2 Windowless van. Both sides have a bye week issue, and it’s likely going to affect Carl more, because that’s 1, maybe 2 TDs he can’t count on anymore.

Big Head Mod v Laces Out
by Jeff

Its a B+ v C grade via the old Yahoo.  Yahoo’s algorithm is lazy bro.  Let’s get deeper folks.  Brady sucked so that didn’t help Ray but it also hurt Ardy cause Brady throw to Hogan folks.  Evans got some late run thanks to FitzMagic and smoked Goodwin.  Goodwin might be hurt statswise cause who’s his QB now?  Zeke and Johnson off-set.  Oh snap that Evans boost got eaten by McCaffrey.  Finally, white silk is paying off for Ardy.  Oh nooooo Kittle just straight murdered Dissly.  Can Ardy come back from this?  Okay, Howard knocks Thomas down but then Tucker kicks McManus in the nobs and ends it.  Oh shit Ardy is dazed and its the DIAMOND CUTTER.  THE RAMS COMING OUT OF NOWHERE AND EXECUTE A PERFECT DIAMOND CUTTER.


Cuz Nug v 501st
by Ardy
For Pat Mahomes, a 25-point outing is a bit of a regression. It might have been concerning, had 7/9 positions on Tim’s side performed below projections. Kamara was a standout, and he won the kicker battle, but traitors don’t prosper in this league. Thus the gods of SKOL smiled down upon Zach and his squad, saying “don’t worry guy, you don’t NEED a kicker to win this week.” If it’s any consolation, there was no help from the bench. 

Coming up this week, Zach is up against Ray for the clash of some 2-1s. Their projections differ by 0.55 pts, but Ray has the edge as his performance this season has him sitting in 2nd place, while Nug has the same record but is sitting 5th.

Tim, on the other hand, is going up against the undisputed #1 in our league, the newcomer LCpl Underground. Smart money’s on Nicholas’ continued dominance, but the 501st is putting a burning hot Calvin Ridley on the field. Big upset potential if you’re picking games (which you can do by viewing a matchup, then clicking “pick to win” on either side). Helps that Nicholas has two guys on bye. Good luck to both.

Windowless Van v Steel House
by Jeff
Thanks Tom.  An 0-3 Kegger wouldn’t be a happy Kegger.  Really thanks to Drew mother-fucking Brees.  Dude I hated watching that guy roast the Gophers at Purdue.  That 40.54 totally covered for Cooper being Cooper.  What’s up with Cooper this year?  Nick man I’ll give you some flotsam if you’d like?  Tom was just plain unlucky this week though.  I mean come on dude can’t get a score over his forecast.  This match was pretty much over as soon as Sunday AM kicked off.  Better luck this week Tom.  Glass Joes are pretty rough so far so please don’t give them a free-pass.  Nick man you’ve got a tough one this week.  The videogames are looking for an early week bump from their slumping Vikes.  Good luck fellers. 

LCpl Underground v Search for Saq-uatchby Curt
The grizzled and gun-powder caked Lt. Cpl took one last cigar draw as he looked out over a field of dead apes. “Well,” he gruffed to his limping sergeant, “that’s one less place where THAT bigfoot could be.”
Sitting atop the pile after three games is Nicholas with consistent play and reliable production from Cam Newton, Brown and Bernard. You know I five out of nine of my starters were Vikings. He won’t have Cam Newton going into week 4 (watch those Bye Weeks, Boys!) but the military man has Baltimore. Flacco on deck vs. a favorable match-up against Pittsburg’s defense so don’t cry for him. Bryon for his part has great upside even in this his first loss of the season and even though all but 2 of his players won their real games, his team didn’t get near his projection of 109.85 this week. He’ll look ahead to Jeff’s Team for a chance at taking back the top spot from a middle-ranked Ekim Yor. They were at home and 17 point over-dogs and looked like poo; look I dropped L. Murray if anyone’s interested. GD
 The coaching breakdown brought to you by…

A man and his dog

Lcprl 88% and playing 6 out of 9 of his best options. That’s solid play, and considering 5 out of 6 of his benched players had very favorable match-ups (the green shit), it’s fair to say that the Colonel thinks for himself making him a very dynamic and self-driven adversary and one to be feared for the rest of the season.  Sasquatch  62.4% making only 4 of the nine best roster moves at his disposal. A D– won’t get you any ass, so get on the F-Series and be a Man… Ape… Beast…(?) You Fuckers.

The Glass Joes v Jeff’s Team
, Curt Lookin’ like a greased King Hippo gettin’ into spandex, Jarrett couldn’t pull over the upset against one of our more chameleon-tastic managers and now sinks to the bottom of the standings at 0-3. Things looked promising at the outset, with a resurgent Bears defense handling the hapless Cardinals and good performances by Rodgers, Jones, Funchess and Breida, but Ekim had the goods with Deshawn Watson getting 25% of his Jeff’s Team’s score and more points than his real-life Texans did in their latest loss. The future looks dire for The Joes as Rodgers continues to have knee problems, Atlanta’s defense not being able to get Jones and Ryan much field-time, and Jimmy G.’s season-ending injury probably ripping down to hinder Brieda’s prospects as the pass game will have difficulty getting established. Start pressing SELECT a bunch, Broseph!

This Coaching Grade Break-Down brought to you by

You’re All Set! The professional euphemism for ‘now feck off, ya wee grubby wanka’s!

Jarrett at 99.2% with 8 out of 9 of his best choices, and a paltry .7 off of the best… WHAT CAN YA, DO, ya know?!? At least you get an A here this week. You know this GD APP gave me the SHAME notification for my faith in Minnesota this week and forced me to walk naked down the street. If you see the pictures remember it was kinda cold- so don’t gimme no Shit. (Clears throat.) So yes, in the other corner Little Mac aka. Jeff’s Team with 96.9% and also 8 out of 9 of the best plays. Good job, Guy, and I hope you and your family enjoy the Arby’s coupon.
Now go watch Thursday Night Football! And SSSKOOOOOOLLLL, VikingS!!!

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